I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
