I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
