I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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