this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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