did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
