Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
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