Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
