We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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