I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
She's like a pop up book from hell.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
