i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
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