Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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