I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
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All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
For Some Reason, Boys Are Singing The ‘Halo’ Theme Song In School Bathrooms
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.