Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline