My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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