Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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