I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
