At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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