did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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