I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
