were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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