The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
