i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
