you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
