what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.