Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.