my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
