I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
