Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
