I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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