I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize