I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I see more hoeing in ur future
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
