I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
