mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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