So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
