i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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