your parents love me but you hate me
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
