How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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