why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
