Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
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he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
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The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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