You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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