I need to stop coming to work sober
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
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