i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
