A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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