I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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