and my herpes radar will keep us safe
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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