My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
