Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
