I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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