I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
