Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
