mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
