Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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