Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
