Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
