I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
