we're chasing vodka with high fives
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
